Phone CaLL
He didn't say much after that.
"So, are you coming back like you said?" I asked.
He didn't answer.
That would be the moment I thanked Alexander Graham Bell for the telephone, because if Leo and I had to speak to each other in person he would've seen my face drop, and my much-less-than-half-hearted smile fade from my expression. My voice jammed up in my throat, as I felt tears slip from my eyes.
"Leo, are you coming home?" I struggled to steady my voice; I knew he could tell.
"Come on… don't cry-"
"Are you coming home or not, Leo?"
"I told you, Kate. It depends on how much progress I make," he explains nonchalantly.
"Then if everything you say is true, you'll—"
"Look, babe, I—"
I couldn't talk to him anymore. Everything he said after that just faded into a bunch of noise as I sat on my bed, with the phone set aside, covering my broken face with my trembling hands.
I cried.
I cried over the fact that he didn't care.
I cried because he was half a world away and hardly ever called.
I cried because I missed him; my world didn't turn without him;
and all he missed was Mary Jane.
Static.
"Kate— Kate— Babe, are you there? The phone— I can't—"
I wiped my eyes and my mouth and picked up the phone that was lying in a tomb of wrinkled sheets. I dragged a finger under my eye again as I answered.
"Yeah, I'm still here."
"Thank God. I'm sorry it started breaking up. Anyway... is there anything else?"
My jaw tightened.
Yes. There's alot. More than I could ever fit into the small thirty minute phone limit at your new school.
I want to tell you that I want you to come home.
I want to tell you that I don't believe you anymore.
I want to tell you that I'm angry because I call you all the time and when we talk I never hear about you...
... much less about any progress that you've made.
I want to tell you that I love you; I miss you; I wish you were here.
That I wish you loved me
more than getting high.
That I need you more
than you could ever need Mary Jane.
"No, that's it," I say with a smile. "I don't have anything else."
"Oh. Okay, love. Well... I have to get going, 'kay?" His voice went up at the end, like I was a little child and he was the caring adult convincing me to do something.
"Alright," I answer. I cover my mouth to muffle any cracks in my voice, as I feel all my tears rush from my eyes,
and my face breaks.
The pain splits my lips and near pleads to him.
"Alright— I love you…!"
I love you Leo.
I love you.
"Okay, babe. I'll see you. Bye!" He happily bids.
and with that he hangs up,
and leaves me there
looking at the phone, not knowing what to say.
I felt the childish tears streaming down my face, but I stopped them—
Leo was gone.
He had hung up a long time ago.
Saying "I love you, too" was no longer necessary. He was long distance. Out of state. He didn't need to say goodbye. He thought it was understood.
The problem was that he didn't know I was still on the line.
Waiting for him to call back and say he was sorry that his shoulder slipped, and he had accidentally hung up on me.
That it didn't actually happen
the way that it did just now.
That he didn't just hang up without telling me...
without reasurring me...
that he loved me.
that he loved me, too.
and I was
waiting
for him to call back.
Needing
for him to call back.
But he didn't.
and all I could hear
was the dead song
of the
D I A L T O N E
# # #
A L A R M
It's 7:45 a.m.
Time to get up for school.
and I'm still getting used to waking up
and not seeing Leo next to me,
curled up on top of the sheets
with his shirt over him as a blanket.
He is so silly.
I put on new clothes
but I remember how
he used to love to put on my shirts
for me
and how he laughed when my head
would get stuck in it
and after it was finally on
my hair was a mess
I wash my face
and try to forget how many times
he'd held it in his sleeved hands
and kissed my forehead
and told me I was beautiful
I put in earrings
and I can see him looking back at me
with his two crosses dangling
from his ears
and all I can remember thinking
is that I gave him those
because I believed he was
my guardian angel
and when I'm finally ready
and sling on my backpack
to go to school
I almost want call upstairs
and say "Leo, we're going to be late!"
and pretend that it's not because he's a thousand miles away
that I can't see him
but because he's upstairs
frantically putting his socks on
and unable to find his backpack.
I even wait an extra minute
to see if his ghost will come running down the stairs,
still trying to put on his shoes.
He'll give me that goofy smile I love so much
and say that he was sorry that his backpack was having an affair with my dresser in the closet, and that's why he couldn't find it.
And then I turn out the door, thinking he's right behind me
and get on the bus
only to find I don't have anyone beside me
And I miss him.
# # #
A L A R M
5:55.
It's five minutes until 7
in Rhode Island.
When Leo gets back from
normal school activities
and has free time in his dorm room
to talk to me.
# 40 1 - 5 2 1 - 7 2 3 3
R I N G I N G
"You know what to do," His answering machine
says. "If this is the third time you've called
I probably don't want to talk to you,
but leave a message anyway
in case I feel like calling you back and to tell you
you're
a pain
in my ass!
Have a nice day!"
The phone beeps, and I open my mouth to speak,
but I can't think of anything to say.
It was the fifth time I had called him.
I knew he had made the message as a joke,
but I couldn't help feeling like he didn't want to talk to me.
He probably wouldn't get this message anyway.
So I hang up, knowing that he probably had his phone off, and was pretending that I wasn't calling him. I thought maybe I'd lie and tell him something drastic-
tell him I'm breaking up with him
or that my mom died
or something
just so that he would call back
and ask about it.
He was in Rhode Island.
It was 8 minutes until 9.
and he had free time in his dorm room
not
to talk
to me.